I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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