Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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