I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
