I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
