I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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