First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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