so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
