New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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