Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
A+ Viking dick
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
