ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
