It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
