On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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