They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
