do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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