just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
