Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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