why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
