my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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