She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
