I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
