You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
