I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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