I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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