So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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