I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
