In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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