Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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