Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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