I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
