what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
