I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Randomize
