And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I have already put on my inside pants.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
