When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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