I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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