As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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