I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
