Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Randomize
