I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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