There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
