first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
