So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
