fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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