Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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