My sheets look like a crime scene.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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