WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
