There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
