so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
