OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I want her autograph on my taint
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
