I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Randomize
