You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
