I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
