I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
