There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
